Riverdale Auxiliary: Episode 14

Archies-Dad

Both of us loved this gag strip because it reduces Fred Andrews to “Archie’s Dad.” Take note, readers: sooner or later, we stop being individuals and instead become Archie’s Dad or Arlo’s Mom or The Tombstone over There.

Veronica-Rug

The other gag strip subtly suggests that Veronica Lodge has killed one, if not multiple polar bears.

Sea-Monster

And in a story we don’t cover at all this episode, Archie – a regular Dana Scully – discovers the Loch Ness Monster Misty! (Can you believe we barely even mention it?)

Best-Concert-Ever

One might argue with the enthusiastic teen in the audience that the “Best Concert Ever” title should more rightly go to something like Woodstock or the Sex Pistols’ Manchester Lesser Free Trade Hall show, but, sure, The Archies and Josie and the Pussycats playing Riverdale is up there, too.

The story (and the two bands’ joint track) is entitled “More Than Words,” which just made us think of these guys:

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“More Than Words,” our Archie / Josie and the Pussycats crossover is more chock-full of single tears than a Roy Lichtenstein retrospective. And can easily be recreated by Lucy’s favourite new consumer good: teardrop eye jewellery!

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This story also has a lot of smooching! Don’t be ashamed if you find yourself with a case of the vapours.

Kissing

Then Mr. and Mrs. Lodge spend some time with the unwashed masses by going to one of the “talkies.” Before Mr. Lodge vomits from the proximity to poor people, he gets way too involved in the love lives of the town’s teenagers.

Nosy-Lodges Talk-About-Dad

Look who it is: Archie’s Dad again! There he is, always fathering and such. He doesn’t seem too concerned that an adult woman is dating his teen son, though.

Josies-Sick-Burn

Somebody get Reggie some topical cream to apply after Josie’s sick burn.

Gloom-Chaser

Seems insensitive, at the start of the oddly wordplay-free “Gloom Chaser,” that Archie doesn’t check to make sure Veronica is okay, even though her sweater shows she’s clearly just been run over by a motor vehicle.

Umbrella-Javelin

Never before in a story have we seen Mr. Lodge as such a yukster! One can assume the old cane/umbrella trick is just one of the hilarious pranks we can see this fall on Riverdale’s new hidden camera show, “Lodge Your Complaint.”

Archie-Soaked

Use an umbrella much, Archie? Looks like our boy could use a few pointers from our friend Rihanna.

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Ice-Cream-Delivery

Most people don’t realize how dangerous and humiliating ice cream delivery can be.

Into-Archies-Mind

The story “The Inner Man” opens with Hiram Lodge and his daughter taking a break from an afternoon by the pool to share a delusion in which they enter her boyfriend’s mind. You know, as one does. As Lucy points out, Veronica Lodge is the original Miss Frizzle.

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Archie-The-Hero

Sure the Archie of his mind seems accomplished, but anyone with experience can spot a people-pleasing workaholic about to hit a serious breakdown from a mile away.

Cat-Fight

The funny part of this part of Archie’s fantasy is that it’s not that unrealistic. Though Veronica is never one to throw herself at anyone, that final scene is emblematic of every other Archie Comics story.
Archie-Big-Business

Behold the secret, never-before-seen origin story in which Archie Andrews becomes The Wolf of Wall Street.

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